Fast forward about seven years to me sitting in my apartment surrounded with fellow ward members and friends all waiting for the Saturday morning session of General Conference to start. (General Conference is a special semiannual conference where Latter-day Saints around the world gather to receive guidance from church leaders.) For the weeks leading up to General Conference, many of my local church leaders had been advising us to prepare questions that we would like to have answered through personal revelation during General Conference.
I knew that my question was to be regarding whether I should serve a mission. However, I did not really want to accept that it was supposed to be my question. I wanted to focus on the now and not worry about the intimidating preparation and realization that a mission was in the near-ish future. I was having so much fun at school that it was hard for me to think that I would pack it all up and leave for a year and a half.
The urge for me to pray to my Father in Heaven if a mission was right for me kept pushing me and pushing me until about five minutes before conference started. I finally went into my room, got on my knees, and begrudgingly said a simple prayer asking if a mission was for me.
Literally less than ten minutes into conference, a life changing announcement was made. The age requirements for missions were lowered from 19 to 18 for males and 21 to 19 for females. That meant I could go RIGHT THEN.
I freaked out. I was scared. It was the confirmation to my prayer I was not ready to accept. Even though I knew I was supposed to go on a mission, the awareness that it was now a possibility at any moment really panicked me.
Everywhere I went people were talking about the age change. Especially being at BYU. I walked around campus counting how many times I heard the word "mission" and eventually lost count. Everyone was asking, "So, are you going on a mission?!" "When are you going on a mission?"
I knew I was supposed to go, but really did not want to accept it. And looking back, I don't know why I was so afraid. I think it was the sudden pressure to go right then. I didn't realize that the age announcement didn't mean I had to go soon, but rather that I could go sooner.
I kept trying to find ways to avoid it. But each time I tried to make up an excuse, I just felt an even more powerful reassurance that a mission was what I needed to focus on.
Even when I was telling myself that I didn't want to go on a mission, I was still making steps toward a mission. I made little steps rather than jumping in all at once. I enrolled in Mission Prep. I talked with my Bishop. I got guidance from friends and family who had served missions. I knew I wanted to serve a mission, but I kept hiding it and pushing it down. I let fear control my life.
However, one day, after talking to my dad, I decided to just commit to one idea or the other - and I decided to commit to a mission. And once I made that decision and stopped trying to force my will rather than The Lord's, I felt so much better. It was like I was letting myself be happy again. I was not constantly stressed and anxious. I was having fun. And the semester that I made that decision was one of my best. I had the most fun, made the best of friends, and just felt so much closer to my Savior. I finally understood what President Ezra Taft Benson meant when he said, "The great task of life is to learn the will of the Lord and then do it."
And here I am now, preparing to leave in a little less than two months and have never felt more confident about the path my life is taking than ever before. I know that I am following the path The Lord has for me and because I am relying on His timing, rather than my own, I will not be lead astray. He will guide me and walk beside me until I am back in His presence. I just have to have the faith to follow.
My decision to serve a mission has been a long path but I am so glad that I really had to struggle to find my answer because, now, when the going gets tough and the immunizations hurt, I can remember back to those confirmations I have felt and I know without a doubt that I truly have been called to serve. And I know those confirmations will help me when I am out in the mission field, when doors have been slammed in my face, my feet hurt, and I just don't think I can go any further.
Far and wide, His love will I proclaim.
Xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment